Connection is a powerful thing. Connection strengthens us and sustains us. When we as humans get tired and worn out, connection has the power to keep us going even if there are no tangible changes in our circumstance. If you are tired and lonely and your circumstances are hard and you are ready to give up, sometimes just taking care of the lonely part is enough to keep you going. Even without changing the circumstances that are hard, knowing you are not alone can have a powerful effect on your ability to keep pressing on.
Foster care can be a very lonely lifestyle. And when I say foster care, I am also including adopting from foster care, kinship care, really anything that touches the foster care system. It all has the ability to leave parents feeling very lonely. There are some reasons for that:
- Foster parents’ challenges are something friends and family might not understand.
Sure, your friends’ kids might act up sometimes too, and they maybe also raised kids who have had struggles, but friends and family would be wrong to assume that the challenges foster parents and foster kids face are the same thing. “Oh all kids do that”, they might say. And it’s true to some extent, all kids might exhibit some level of the same behaviors, but trauma and disorganized attachment and separation and loss issues can make it a whole new ballgame for foster parents. A lack of understanding can leave a foster parent feeling like they just shouldn’t share their struggles with anyone, and that’s a lonely place to be. - There are extra limitations on a foster parent’s time and availability
This is a lot like before you had kids, and all your friends also had no kids. But then when you are the first to have kids in your friend group everyone says, “Oh we will still hang out all the time!” Does that really happen? Often it doesn’t. It’s not because friends don’t care, it’s because your life has changed in ways that your friends’ lives have not. Priorities and limitations are different now. Foster care is a lot like that. It’s just a different world, and we can easily find ourselves disconnected from our old lives. - Foster parents have a lot of new appointments and priorities.
Caseworkers, therapists, court appointments, it all adds up. After dealing with all of those things and trying to get everyone where they need to be on time and manage the emotionally draining needs of everyone else along the way, sometimes there isn’t a lot of physical or emotional energy left over for fun and friends. - Some of the new kids might not be able to handle all the things a foster parent used to do.
Birthday parties, for example, can be hard even for kids without a trauma history, but they can be especially tough for kids who lack strong attachment or have dealt with other kinds of trauma. When big social events tend to trigger even bigger emotions, foster families will opt to just stay home to make it easier on everyone else.
All of the above drives disconnection in foster care. The result is that foster families feel more and more isolated, and in their isolation they feel like they are shouldering the burden alone. The people with whom they have the most connection, caseworkers, therapists, lawyers, etc, are sometimes the people who are asking for more from them rather than people asking how they can help.
The result is a self perpetuating cycle: missing out on social events and feeling misunderstood makes a parent feel more and more isolated, their isolation drives even further disconnection and withdrawal, and the cycle continues.
A meaningful connection in a foster/adoptive parent’s life can begin to break this cycle of isolation, but it requires overcoming some of the above obstacles. A foster parent needs to find his/her people, their tribe, the ones who are going on the same journey as they are and can offer understanding. This could be riends and family who are deeply invested in the journey and are seeking to deeply understand and offer empathy, though oftentimes we have found this means either other foster and adoptive parents.
What this tells us is that helping connect foster and adoptive families to each other actually makes a significant difference in those families’ strength and resiliency. Families who are connected to one another can go from isolation to connectedness, have more natural supports, and are less likely to give up when life gets hard. Their circumstances don’t necessarily change, but it’s their connections that tell them they aren’t alone that help them keep going.
A foster care system in which foster families have stronger connections to each other is actually a stronger foster care system! When we help build community among foster families, we are actually making foster care better and helping make better outcomes for kids.
Why do foster parents need to connect with other foster parents?
- Because foster parents understand each other through mutual interaction with the same challenges. Oftentimes I will hear a foster parent say, “I’m so glad I don’t need to explain that” when talking to another foster parent. “I’m so glad you get it”
- Foster parents feel safe sharing their emotions and fears with each other. They are less likely to feel judged for having a bad day or a bad attitude when they are talking about life with other foster parents. As a result, they will be able to share things they would not ordinarily be able to say to anyone else.
- Foster parents tend to provide respite for one another
This sounds counter-intuitive because family sizes within foster care are already larger, but it’s true. A family with 8 kids who needs respite care is often more likely to find that respite care through another foster family who also has 8 kids than through a non foster family who only has 1 or 2 kids. A non-foster family is more likely to be overwhelmed by caring for 8 more kids for a couple days (making a total of 10) than the family who is already caring for 8 and adds 8 more for the same time frame. This is because there comes a point when large families are already set up for large numbers, and doubling up your 8 is not as big of an adjustment as quadrupling (or quintupling) your 2. - Foster parents find answers to their problems through the collective experience of the group.
Even if I had 11 years of foster care experience, I haven’t experienced everything. There is always someone in the group with experience with a different age group, a different special need, a different circumstance or age or gender. A strong community of foster families means a larger pool of experience and resources for all to draw from.
If we are looking to make a positive difference within the foster care system, real and authentic community is an excellent place to begin. Foster families who are connected to community can experience lower stress levels, which helps families stay involved longer, and impacts placement stability for the kids in their care. In short – if we support foster care, it means more open foster homes, fewer placement changes for the kids in their care, which all adds up to make a stronger foster care system.
In the world of foster care, connections matter even more than we realize.