I wrote a post a while back called “Why Do Foster Parents Need Support?” It is primarily information for the folks who are part of our support teams, or who are thinking about plugging in to a foster care support team, and they want to understand the value of being a part of someone’s team. But this is only the first question that needs to be answered. For non-foster parents, the previous post considers the value of being part of supporting foster parents. Now for foster parents, I’d like to consider the value of accepting that support.
Foster parents are helpers, that’s what we do. We see a need for a home and a family, we step in to try to meet that need. There are lots of different motivations for why we get into this life, but at some level all of us want to help, we want to be a part of the solution and to make a difference.
Those are good things, and I would not want to discourage them. They are necessary and important. But I also know it’s too easy for the attitude of “I’m going to help,” to become an attitude of, “I’m the only one who is going to help.” Or even, “I don’t need help in order to help.”
There are a lot of reasons that foster parents choose not to ask for help or get uncomfortable when help is offered to them. What I’d like to do in this post is start a conversation about some of those reasons, and discuss whether there are other perspectives we should consider. Then I’d like to think about some positive reasons that seeing ourselves more as part of a partnership and less as a sole proprietor might be a good idea. In 10 years of foster care, I’ve thought/felt/believed each of these at different times over the years.
Why don’t we want to accept help?
#1 – I don’t want to seem like I can’t handle it
Let’s just start with some big honest truth right from the beginning, shall we? I know this objection well. To allow someone to help me – even if I didn’t ask for it, just to allow it! – means I can’t hack it. If you help me, there is something wrong with or inadequate about me, and that doesn’t feel good.
Anything less than handling my own business 100% of the time might lead to a lot of negative self talk, and I don’t want to let people have the wrong perception of me.
If I let you bring my child to their sports practice, it’s because I can’t manage my time well enough. (A good parent is there for every practice and game)
If I let you bring me dinner, it’s because I can’t afford to or don’t have time to cook. (A good parent always has dinner planned and ready)
If I let you watch my kids for a couple hours, it’s because I don’t have what it takes to be their parent 24/7. (A good parent doesn’t need to take breaks from their kids)
Sometimes you might find that when you offer to help a busy parent, they will say, “no thanks” to your offer. Why is that?
Oftentimes it’s because of this kind of self talk. If I let you help, you will think less of me. Or, why are you asking to help me? What do you see about me that makes you think I need help? Do you think I can’t handle it? Well I’ll show you just how well I can handle things.
And so we refuse to let others help us in order to prop up our own image of ourselves.
I wonder, at the end of the day, are we trying to convince everyone else that we can handle it, or are we trying to convince ourselves?
#2 – I’m not sure you will understand
There are a lot of things in my life that are different because of being a foster/adopt/kinship parent. Parenting kids who have experienced trauma often requires a different approach than other kids. There are rules that I have to have in place and accommodations that I have to make that might seem strange or unfair to the outside world. This is one reason foster parents tend to do respite for each other more than using respite providers who are not licensed. Less explanation is necessary about certain things.
For some of our kids who deal with things like FASD or RAD, they might require a different type of directness from their parents. We often find ourselves living in the world of black and white with no room for gray. Wiggle room, when it comes to discipline or expectations with our black and white world kids, can be a real problem. There are times as parents that we hear ourselves and the way we are interacting with our kids when we think, if anyone hears me right now they are going to think I’m a real jerk of a mom/dad.
It’s not because we want to be jerks. We actually aren’t jerks. It’s not because we don’t love our kids. It’s because there are times and there are kinds of trauma that require us to keep some of our kids close, to keep their world small. So if you want to take those kids for a walk, we’re not always confident you can live in that black and white reality that we have to live in. Trauma kids who have experienced multiple placement moves within the foster care system can become masters at getting their way through whatever means necessary. It’s not anything against you, but we’re not always sure you are up for that particular challenge.
There is some legitimacy to that concern, but very often I think there is something else behind it. Giving access to my life might mean you see some things that are not as pretty as we want them to be, and that might change your opinion of me. I would like to hold on to this better image of me as long as I can.
#3 – I need to be the one doing the saving
This one goes along with #1 but with one important difference. Yes, if I let you do something then that makes me look weaker, and I don’t want that. Yes, I feel the obligation to be everything that my family needs, and accepting help interferes with that.
But we sometimes find ourselves taking it a step further. We all received a phone call from an agency at some point with the story of a child who was removed from their home and needed someplace to stay. It could have been pitched to us as a temporary placement or they might have asked us for something longer term. In either case, they were probably looking for someone who would take placement of that child and they asked, “Can you help?”
We have had kids in our home about whom we were told, “We don’t have any other options.” We’ve answered the phone on a Friday night, or even Sunday morning with the plea, “We don’t know where else to bring this child, can you help?” We’ve heard, “We are going to split up these siblings because we don’t have any other options, can you help”
We know the need, we know there aren’t enough homes, and we know the system is strained. So we say to ourselves, I can help.
But that step further happens when we hear those pleas and we tell ourselves, I’m the only one who can help.
This child was placed with me, I need to be the one to meet their needs.
This child is my responsibility, I need to be there for them at all times.
If this child builds a relationship with a mentor/friend/helper/birthparent, my position is threatened because I feel like I need to be the one they look to. If I believe that I have to be the one who does all the helping, then anything, or anyone, else might feel like a threat to my security.
#4 – I don’t want to appear to be looking for a handout
Foster Parents are just in it for the money, right? That’s a perception that is out there, so we want to be careful with appearances when it comes to money, or asking for financial help, or accepting anything that costs money.
When our family reached the size that we needed a bigger vehicle, we bought a used 15 passenger van. It wasn’t anything fancy (it was actually a former prison transport van, so it was pretty basic) but it handled us and all of our kids, so it met our needs. The first time we pulled up to pick kids up from a visit with their mom in that van, she said to them, “Oh look, they got a new van with the money they get for you.”
We know the stereotypes, so we tend to avoid things that look like we’re trying to take advantage. I hear so many times from foster parents, “That’s ok, let somebody else who needs it have it.” We just don’t want to accept something that could have blessed someone else who “needs” it more than we do, so we don’t accept things at all. We don’t want anyone to have any grounds to accuse us of trying to make a profit. 2
Why should we accept help?
#1 – It’s a blessing to be a part of someone else’s story, and that’s a gift we can offer to those around us
When you participate in something, you get to be a part of it. Whether that’s in a big way or a small way, you get to be a part of something bigger than yourself.
As foster parents, we are part of this journey, this story of a child’s life. Yes, we are there for some pretty terrible parts of that story, but if we are persistent we have the opportunity to also be a great influence in how the story turns out. That’s a pretty amazing thing, and the thought of that should keep us going along this journey when it gets hard. A child’s journey through life is bigger than us, we are just one part of it.
There is something special about getting to be a part of someone’s story. You don’t have to participate in big ways to be a part of it, even small contributions can make a big impact.
At different times in our family’s life when other families or individuals have supported us by bringing us meals, there has often been something special to those families who served us in that way. Our family is not very accessible, our schedule is busy and dropping by for a visit is a pretty risky proposition. But when someone brings dinner, they come to the house. They might come in and bring food, they might get to see some of the kids, and they get a little bit more of a picture of what our life looks like. They can take pride in providing a necessity for our family, even for one night. And even if it’s in a small way and for a brief moment, they can be a part of our story. They can contribute to it. And that’s not a small thing.
It is a gift to be a part of someone’s story. When we don’t allow others to help us by making the meal or running the errand that they offered, we are depriving them of an opportunity to be a part of our story. It is a gift that we withhold when we keep it to ourselves.
#2 – They aren’t going to understand until we let them get close enough to understand
Yes, it’s true that people outside of foster care might not understand the specific challenges and pressures that foster parents face. I say they “might” not understand, because we won’t really know if that’s true if we never open up our lives and our home enough to find out.
We would be wrong to assume that nobody else in our lives could handle the truth about our parenting and family, or that nobody else could understand the world as we see it. We foster parents didn’t understand this world either before we became foster parents. How did we learn about it? Experience. Experience has taught us a great many things about the world and the ways that trauma destroy human potential. We see it every day.
How else can our friends and support teams understand except to be allowed to walk alongside us and see it for themselves?
#3 – I might have a savior complex, but that doesn’t make me an actual savior.
We know, intellectually at least, that we are not capable of saving anyone. Especially someone who doesn’t want to be saved. But in our actions we sometimes tell a different story. We also know that it isn’t healthy to believe that we are the only one who can help a particular child. But again, we don’t always act in accordance with what we intellectually believe.
The need to be a savior and do all the saving is something that we may need to actively work against. It comes so naturally, and we slip into it so easily, that without some kind of discipline and intentionality we may never break free of it.
In this way, accepting help could be considered a personal discipline. It’s a way of reminding ourselves that we are not the savior. We can remind ourselves that we do not carry the world on our shoulders, that there are others who can carry the burden as well as we can (or close enough at least), and that a child’s outcomes in life do not depend entirely on our efforts. We should be continually reminding ourselves of these things, and one very practical way to do that is by allowing others to help in some way.
#4 – It’s not about “need”
We tend to believe that help can only go to the person who ranks the highest on the need scale. If you have 3 foster kids, you should defer to the person who has 4. If you are caring for a toddler, you should leave the help for the person with a colicky infant. Your child has special needs? I bet there is another family out there with 2 special needs children. And on and on we go, always pushing the help down the path toward some other person who has it worse than we do, who needs the help more. We are fine, and we don’t need anything.
Can we just stop playing that “who has the biggest need” game long enough to see what we’re doing? Because we are human, we are constantly ranking ourselves against one another. Who is doing the better job? Who is carrying the heaviest load? If it’s a competition, who is winning by sacrificing the most?
Let’s stop this. Everyone is carrying their own burden, and every family is navigating their own way through life and their children’s needs. There is no winner in this game. The needs of a family with one child are no less valid than the needs of a family with 4. The needs of a special needs parent are no less important than the needs of a parent with neurotypical children. One need does not cancel out the needs around it.
Furthermore, it is not “need” that qualifies a family to receive help. I can make dinner for my family, so in that sense I don’t “need” someone else to do it for me. But would it be helpful to have dinner delivered? Would that free me up to address some of my kids concerns a little better? Would that free me up to work on some other projects around the house? It’s not that I “need” this in order to function or to survive, but accepting it makes life just a little bit easier.
And that’s what this is all about. It’s not about finding the person who’s life and family will fall apart if I don’t bring them a meal. Probably we can all afford to buy and prepare our own meals. But would this meal be a blessing to someone? Would bringing it offer a little bit of hope? Would it let that family know that I’m cheering for them, and I’m thankful that they do what they do?
If so, then it is worth accepting. Needed or not.
How can you, as a foster/adopt/kinship parent, accept help?
This is going to have to be a choice. You are going to have to choose to allow or accept help when it is offered. Think of it as a discipline, exercising a muscle that is painful and sore. It’s never pleasant at first, but you know it needs to be done for the greater good. Think of it as no pain, no gain if you must, but make the conscious choice to accept the help that is offered to you. It will help you grow, and it will help the person who is doing the helping grow.
One simple way to begin is to make use of some of the support pieces that are already there. We host two foster closets which are stocked with donations specifically for foster, adopt, and kinship families. Yes, we know you could probably buy the clothes and diapers yourself, that’s not the point. Clothing allowances and foster support payments don’t cover all that you need, and money that you don’t spend on these items is money you can use for childcare or events and activities for your family. When you are used to stretching your space and your budget to accommodate just one more child, it seems like there’s always a way to make it work. So you don’t want to use the closet because that’s for “someone else.”
Actually, it’s for you. It’s there to be a blessing to you and your family, and a lot of volunteer hours and money have been spent to make it available as a blessing to your family. All of those volunteers and donors want a chance to be a part of your story, to support what you are doing! Utilizing the closets is a great way to let others help!
Meals are another great source of help. We’ve been the recipients of meals at different times, and you don’t realize what a blessing it is until dinner is being dropped off at your door. Yes, you could just make something or pick something up for dinner, but the mental space that is freed up by not having to worry about dinner is actually quite valuable. But when someone asked if they could set up a meal train for you your first response was probably, “no really, we’re ok.”
We know you’re ok, we’d just like to keep it that way by bringing you meals!
So here is a phrase you can use, bookmark this page and refer back to it if you must. The next time someone offers, “Hey can I help you with…” Take a chance and start by saying,
“Actually, that would really be great. Thank you.”
And let’s just see what happens.